Intimacy Week 4: The Intrigue
I’ve been carrying an abundance of love, anxiously wishing I could give it to you. There’s something about the discomfort that I feel from you as you watch me admire you from afar. I can tell by the way you receive my admiration that you haven’t been admired in a while. I can tell by the way that I speak your love language that you are intrigued by my knowledge of you. How could I know your soul, hear your thoughts, and feel out your purpose all in one encounter? Could it be that I was designed for you or do I have some mysterious special power? Either way, I intrigue you. Truth is, I am more afraid of allowing you access to my heart than I am afraid of losing you. I have lost more than I’ve gained so losing is a familiar feeling for me. Unfortunately, I am quite acquainted with pain.
BUT, God reminded me that this time would not be like prior times. My season of losses were up, but my seasons of lessons were on the horizon. So I began to study you, dying to know and understand every facet of you. I was never as amazed by your physique, as I was amazed by your purpose and your pain. Many before me could only see the outer you, but God trusted me enough to see the inner you. All the while knowing that the world would only see the greatest of you, I fell for all parts of you.
Many days, I wondered why did God trust me with you. The most influential woman in a man’s life, is the woman that speaks to his purpose. The woman that spiritually hears the longing in his heart all before he utters a word. Knowing what he yearns for and inwardly balancing how long to take to give it to him, I became physically attracted to a man that I was spiritually accountable for. But still, God trusted me to put his purpose above my need to be desired. Selflessness meant that I could not put my longing above God’s will for his life. So there I sat, uncomfortably waiting on instructions from God.
His silence and actions taught me more about me than his words ever could. He is calculated, meticulous, intentional, but most of all, he’s sure that this time he is ready for something real. He respects me and enjoys my conversation but sometimes I wonder how does he feel about my aggressive nature? You see, I’ve been through so many different levels of trauma that my ability to lay down my protective shield is hard...HARD but not impossible. For the right man, I’ll humbly submit...and from where I am sitting, he is worth submitting to.
I long to worship with him, to spend quiet moments allowing myself to believe that his design was purposed with me in mind. Only time will tell God’s plan and will for our lives but I am assured that at the very least, encountering him was of purposeful design.