As quickly as I uttered “Yes”, my anxiety showed up and I began to internally fuss at myself for ever agreeing to open up! What would he do if he knew my ugly truth? Would he still stay around and adore me as he had done since the beginning of our relationship? Or would he be the typical man that says all the right things in the moment, but does all the wrong things later on? My heart was racing and I began sweating on the top of my nose, like I often did when I got really anxious. Suddenly, I heard his voice calling my name. Honestly, I had zoned out and never realized that all I had done was given myself permission to be consistently open with him. In that moment, I looked at him and said, “I am afraid to be loved.” The love that I have experienced all of my life, always appeared as manipulation. It was never freely given; it always came with a price tag. Sometimes that price was my peace, self-esteem, and even self-worth. I had only experienced “love” after experiencing life-wrenching pain. To have someone sitting in front of me, dying to love me, was an experience that I was not sure I was ready for. However, I was determined this time not to allow my past traumas to keep me from taking hold to God’s greatest blessings. Trauma could no longer rob me of my peace. As I inhaled and exhaled again, putting pen to paper, I began to tell my story....
Coach, Lauren J
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